3 only 3 things

I'm a horrible person, dammit here I go again and it's suppose to be a new year new me lmao. dammit whatever, let's just see how this plays out for me.
there are three things I promised myself
1. Finish highschool
2. Not kill myself
3. don't get pregnant
only three things.
So i'm not a horrible person in my eyes but other people have different standards and expectations for me, i'm through living for them I am now living for myself and my own standards. I do not care what people think, if they don't like what I do or what I like then they can just cry me a river. I've been trying to be good enough for people ever since I can remember and most of my sadness and depression was caused by not feeling good enough. It only matters how I feel about myself and stop living other people standards and start living by my own. So I know I did some awful things in my time but who gives a shit, I've paid my do's and I have changes my ways. ooh yes it's better now, people still put me down but as long as I finish highschool, not kill myself and don't get pregnant before 18 i'll be happy with myself for the rest of my life. And to all the bitches who think those standards aren't high enough then just keep your two cents out of business I don't that kind of negativity in my life.

"It's just a bad day, not a bad life.. "
Nothing lasts forever, only death...there's no turning back from that.
People deserve to live till they're old.
the young should be burying the old, it shouldn't be the other way around.
The devil is taking over this town, it's beginning to be sin every where we go now.
Smudging in the class rooms has begun and there is bulletin boards with scripts from the bible. It's very depressing that this kind of thing has to be done first in order for people to understand, that doing harmful things to your self is wrong.
being hurt isn't fun and the wait until it's over isn't either, but some people need to be tough and try and fight through it. It's tough to be tough after being tough for so long and be abandoned, parents don't show their love like they used too.
 When children grow up in bad lives and get put through foster care, home to home.
The children think of the foster parents: "well if we're bad we'll just be sent to another home."
" We know these people don't love us they just want something to tell about, so they look good and get paid while doing it." This is how it feels for a kid who has been in the system for years. They can be bad knowing another home will be lined up because no one "can deal" with bad troubled kids.
The system isn't a fun place. We're there because our parents are unfit parents, they either hit us, resent us, drink harshly and neglect or simply just can't look after us and give us up.
"You're suppose to love and look after ur kids, give them teachings, play with them, hug them and kiss them. Why wouldn't a parent want to do something other than look after their kid? why would any body else love me if my own mother doesn't even care about me ? I must not have nothing worth giving any one if my own parents didn't see it in me?" *starts crying*
It's harsh in the mind of us, the devil puts this into the mind of a child because he knows they'll believe him and refuse to believe anything else. The child will be like this well until he's grown, unless he's introduce to Him the Lord our Father. He is our truth, and love, there are reasons for our mistakes and failure.
there just isn't much people teaching about the lord and so our world will come to a end

The Beautiful misery

Look at the sky
You'll see her shine so bright
Souring through the northern lights
She was never ours to keep

Her purpose to live was to give up everything.
To  show us that tomorrow isn't promising.
He took her away to that place so beautiful
Her life was short of time
And now we're left to cry
But she was never ours to keep

She's not gone her life goes on
But we didn't get to say goodbye
Sorrow is sickness that kills blindly

The shadows of the light, create fear for all
The weak will take a fall
The strong will battle to the end
Some strong can't face this sad life song
Because it's playing for way to long
Yes I know, everyone hurts

Guilt should not be held on to
That will lead to a bottle shared by two
She doesn't want you to be sad like her.
Be glad she's in a better place
tonight and forever.

She sings
The sunsets my home and the stars you see are the sparkle of my eyes.
I'm in the morning breeze
I'm everywhere even in the clouds and trees.
It was my time to go you won't understand right now.
But I'll let you know
When you see me in your dreams
I'm right beside you everyday
Watching over you day by day
Day by day

Look at the sky
You'll see her shine so bright
Souring through the northern lights
She was never ours to keep

My body's in the ground but my soul is still around.

by; cass

Where's the love these days ?

The house is so quiet, it's grey outside, with a hint of blue.
It is the color I feel my soul is.
Changing with every wind or time of day.
One color to the next.
Morning can be vibrant like water falls of orange and pink,
By day, the sun shining with a bright blue sky, and
The evening it's a mountain of violet.
This could be, if the dim and grey didn't come by everyday.
It all depends on what the winds display
At night it's always black with sparkles of light everywhere.
The dark sky is the Struggle, fear and guilt.
The stars represent dreams of which I wish upon myself.
But The moon is the hope for tomorrow.

In some of our own worlds it's never bright, but always grey and dark.

Another suicide in our community, that's three since the new year. We need to tell our young people that there is something better out there for them. There isn't much to see but rez dogs and drunks walking around.
Most of our parents are mean, not really caring or just drunks. They loves us, but they have their own problems and we aren't number one. There isn't much hope when we look around at the other people in the community either. We get the great opportunities as much as others but it's hard for a native out there. Raised around parties, welfare and teen pregnancies. Our culture is in the ground these days and everyone puts us down. \We are poor, uneducated and alcoholics by the time we're 20.
To just be very honest, natives hardly ever go anywhere with their lives, there is probably 1 out of 10 chance that we will go to college to do something useful with our lives. It doesn't make sense to try and prove the whites wrong, because we will always will be put down and be labeled as free loaders or drunks.
 Our towns have to be run by the white people because we're too busy complaining about treaty rights that were taken away a long time ago. It was our land to begin with, and now it's filled with immigrants. The government already gives us money to look after our kids. Well how is that suppose to help our name, we are made to look like charity cases and we are given less than the refugees, who are just trying to get our country destroyed by terrorists. but they get pity and we get discrimination, it's so sickening.
 People drink way too much around all northern communities, it's as if it's God. It is making our minds sick, the devils consuming our bodies when we drink it. It's easier for the devil to take over the weak and innocent child, over a more wise adult. Our generations of family have had a history of alcoholism since the whites introduced it to us and it just got used for forgetting the pain when the Residential schools came in place. When you see mommy drink, you want to drink too, is that hard to get but some don't always want to be like mommy. So if daddy's good maybe that will make a difference in the family tree. It's not hard to get. The amount of abuse it brings into peoples lives hurt the hearts of children, all the bad in life hurt when it's hard to forgive.
Religion was taken away from the young people, no body teaches it no more. Some may not believe in it, but it gives you a kind of hope for a good day when you do something good. like karma. I believe in karma more than anything.
There isn't enough good in this world everything is being taken over by evil. There isn't no forgiveness, teaching or stable homes anymore.
The youth feel like when we are gone from this world and our hearts stop...
We will have no more pain, no more troubles, no more worries.
We will never have to cry again or wish for a different life.
We won't have to bring our knees to our face to control our breathing, no more locking ourselves in the bathroom!
We won't have to wipe our tears over and over or worry about what tomorrow will bring.
We won't have to figure out how to fix it or have the pressure of the future.
The scars have no affect over her life anymore, the pain is gone and it was probably given to the people who cared and were there. But it doesn't matter because she is gone, it's not her problem anymore.

Why would any one want to live when they are constantly put down, hit or treated unfair. We can not be hard hearted all the time, and not care about it. Sure there are many things to live for and they know it too, They just feel like it's not worth it anymore! They know it can be much worse but shouldn't it be better then the worser ? Shouldn't we be happy when we have homes with a mom and food ? the question is why aren't we? We are missing the communication, the LOVE!!! Where's all the love these days?? the hugs?? the good mornings and goodnights ?? the I love you my girl?? why can't we hear our mom say I love you and believe it for once in our lives. If I had that? I wouldn't even care if I lived in a box somewhere, as long as I had the love of others i'd feel okay.

Feelings are just a face book status, a cry for help no body takes seriously. We want to make things better but when we say that all people do is talk or give lectures about the past and how they over came "the almost exact same thing." Where's the after school support group or the weekend check ups, the homes for which all the brothers and sisters of the foster care system can live with one another. \I want to see action for our youth, not the pitiful words from these adults these days. MY generation needs a rescuer and it won't be coming from our moms and dads, It Has To Be Us.  We are the new, we get it, we know how one another feel, and it is so more complex than you think. The other generations feel like it's just the same as when they were kids but it's not, the worlds different. It's a lot more meaner, and tough. Way more dangerous and distractive. Filled evil, drugs and alcohol.
It hurts, its hurts so much not all of us have enough hope
not enough for one another
I can have hope, I gave up trying to give up my life.
I pasted that path, it's too late turn back
so I gotta go all the way to the end

Well 16 years ago today i was sliced out of my mother's belly, wow! how great it feels to reach this age, I guess it's not the sweet sixteen i expected but it's still great. Cake, balloons, presents, just like a birthday party when i was kid. I love that, because i never really celebrated my birthdays when i was kid but i always had cake at least and my one friend Tishal always came. They were still the greatest, back then my special day was important to me, because it was the one day of the year when I felt special. Today i feel that special feeling, :) i got through another crazy year with myself all in one piece. A year older means i must be wiser.

i have hope still

I haven't written in my blog for more than twp weeks, and the last time i wrote something it wasn't the smartest post(s). That's a lesson to oneself - don't write in your blog while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, if you're sad and depressed and not if you're mad at someone or with life. I made that mistake and it ended badly, i was mad at the world i guess i felt like no one was on my side. I just didn't take a good look at the side i was on. I never realized that the side i'm fighting against is the side i should be on, it makes more sense in my head then when i say it out loud. *opps better not say that or another person will think i'm crazy*
Yes two weekends ago i wanted to kill myself and i know in my previous blog i said something about "the blood on my wrists" I didn't cut my wrists, nor did i think anyone would have read it i just thought maybe i should write this just in case i do it or something and just leave this written here if i do end up killing myself. Deep down i know i can't do that to myself, I've worked so fucking hard for this life. I've been through too fucking much to give up now, seeing me fall is just what the devil wants and when i drink that his poison i'm drinking filling my head with all the bad so i can fall down to his level and forget about all the hope i have stored in my heart. He tries to scream as loud as he can in my head all day about all the bad things that are going on in my life but no matter how loud that son of a bitch is i can still hear God clearly whispering in my ear, he says "keep going my girl, i have you, i'll guide and i will help just keep going, it will get better...Good awaits you my child" There is good that awaits me i feel it god knows i'm so lonely too so he treats me with dreams of my family and friends back home at night time after i pray for them.

never thought i'd say this but i think they're all right and i'm just wrong.