Well 16 years ago today i was sliced out of my mother's belly, wow! how great it feels to reach this age, I guess it's not the sweet sixteen i expected but it's still great. Cake, balloons, presents, just like a birthday party when i was kid. I love that, because i never really celebrated my birthdays when i was kid but i always had cake at least and my one friend Tishal always came. They were still the greatest, back then my special day was important to me, because it was the one day of the year when I felt special. Today i feel that special feeling, :) i got through another crazy year with myself all in one piece. A year older means i must be wiser.

i have hope still

I haven't written in my blog for more than twp weeks, and the last time i wrote something it wasn't the smartest post(s). That's a lesson to oneself - don't write in your blog while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, if you're sad and depressed and not if you're mad at someone or with life. I made that mistake and it ended badly, i was mad at the world i guess i felt like no one was on my side. I just didn't take a good look at the side i was on. I never realized that the side i'm fighting against is the side i should be on, it makes more sense in my head then when i say it out loud. *opps better not say that or another person will think i'm crazy*
Yes two weekends ago i wanted to kill myself and i know in my previous blog i said something about "the blood on my wrists" I didn't cut my wrists, nor did i think anyone would have read it i just thought maybe i should write this just in case i do it or something and just leave this written here if i do end up killing myself. Deep down i know i can't do that to myself, I've worked so fucking hard for this life. I've been through too fucking much to give up now, seeing me fall is just what the devil wants and when i drink that his poison i'm drinking filling my head with all the bad so i can fall down to his level and forget about all the hope i have stored in my heart. He tries to scream as loud as he can in my head all day about all the bad things that are going on in my life but no matter how loud that son of a bitch is i can still hear God clearly whispering in my ear, he says "keep going my girl, i have you, i'll guide and i will help just keep going, it will get better...Good awaits you my child" There is good that awaits me i feel it god knows i'm so lonely too so he treats me with dreams of my family and friends back home at night time after i pray for them.

never thought i'd say this but i think they're all right and i'm just wrong.

because he loves her

The boys only act like they like you, and once they snag you, it's hump and then the next day dump, and there's a baby carriage before any actual marriage. Men will show a women his love for her, he will woo her until she gives in to him, but there's an actual marriage or promise made before anything else. He'll promise not to hurt her and keep that promise until the day he dies. He'll keep her by his side and make sure no one else tries to hurt her. If someone were to hurt her, then they're asking for their head to be smashed on the ground from the Man who loves her so. He wants nothing but his woman to be happy, he'll do anything for her he would even go to jail. It's little much but nothing is too much for her in his eyes. To him she is beauty itself, eveything about her is amazing and he'll never think otherwise because he loves her.

haters gone hate but i'm just gonna shake!

I am Happy, there is nobody in this world that can take this feeling away from me. Not even that immature, iggnorant, piece of shit Justice he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me mad.

I'm taking advice from Gloria Gaynor and Taylor Swift

Gloria Gaynor: "I am what i am, i am my own special creation life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am "
Taylor Swift: "
I stay up too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say
That's what people say
I go on too many dates
But I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say
I stay up too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say"
They don't give a fuck, and that's the way I should be.
I can be fat, short, skinny, tall, a slut, a dick, a weirdo, anything as long as I love myself and love who i am. I have to be sure to have my happiness, pride, and dignity as well those are what is most important, it's right next your hope, faith and passion. You also have to have courage, strength and a good honest opinion if you're on your way to the top. If you know the meaning to all those words your half ways to finding out your own meaning of life.

It's nobody else's life but mine, i get to make the decisions in it. Not one soul can tell me i'm suppose to be like them, because i'm not, i can't be like anyone else i have to be a unique individual in my own little way. I might have had a few different boyfriends in the past, you wan to know why because i'm trying to find someone to love and i accomplished the goal and i'm so happy. I would have never been able to do it with out going on so many dates. I'm not going to care about the stuff i hear people saying about me, because I have much more important shit to be thinking about. In the end it only matter what you think, and a few words from a bunch of losers shouldn't even mess with the way you think about yourself.
I found someone who loves me for everything i am, and that was my only goal I had this year. I accomplised by not givving a fuck about those losers. if i can do it i'm sure anyone can ignore fuckers in life like the ones that surround me in mine.
I am currently doing okay even with all the bad situations i have myself in, because i have my love and encourages me to do better, supports my decisions, and gives me comfort. That is all that matters to me right now, but don't worry i still care about other things i'm not a complete idiot with my boyfriend i still have other priorities that matter as much as him only dumb girls act like their boyfriends are the only people they should be paying attention to, or the relationship they have is more important than anything else. He is my everything, and helps me with everyhting else. :)

My ill mind

I'm sitting here in class while i write this, i am suppose to be listening to my teacher and I'm trying so hard too but she's rambling on about something i don't know nothing about. I can never understand what i'm doing in school nothing ever catches my interest. So I never do my work, but i take in all the notes and i listen. When it comes to tests or assignments i'm lost and in need of serious help. All my assignments are late, I have about eighteen in total that are not finsihed, my attendance is fairly good though. I show up and listen but i feel like i need help but i don't want to ask for it or I'll feel so dumb. I just want a teacher to offer it, and to just see the struggle in my eyes. I'm beginning to feel that laziness and that lack of hard work in my body. I seriously don't know what happened to me I use to be so good in school, I use to be able to get everything right, i could write a million notes if someone wanted me to. Now I act like i can't even pick up the pencil. Something has happened to me since grade eight, but all I know is my self-esteem has dropped since then and my stress level has risen in these past two years. Maybe those two factors are a source of why I'm feeling like this, I'm not going to ask anybody about it though. Lots of things have happened to me during grade 9 and 10, I've experienced life a little more. I guess i'm just not liking it so i'm giving up slowly ,I can't give up though. But every time i tell myself that I'm just lying to myself I'm not motivated at all, I think so hard about it too. I try to convince myself in order to be a journalist I have to get through high school. Highschool is hard but i don't think it really is, all i'm stressed about is the work we have to do. I'm seriously in a hole that I dug myself, I don't care that i'm in it but deep down I want out so bad.

This shit is confusing as fuck, i can barely understand myself, so I highly doubt anyone else will.

him

I want to feel my pain leave my body for good, I'm waiting patiently for that relief to fill my mind and body. In the past month I've passed all my exams and got ungrounded for doing so, i thought it would make me feel better if i was not grounded anymore. It did not -,-

My whole world has come down because of a boy, I would have never thought i would be saying this but it is true. I am so mad and yea i should just let it go but i can't. He's been messing with my heart since 2012, and he's destroyed it once last time but it was so much different then all the other times. I confessed my love for him in a little note, it was written in rich detail. He read it in front of me, when he was finished he asked me if i really loved him he made me look into his eyes and say it. I did it with great pleasure but he had not said it himself. So i was little hesitant of ever saying it again, I just felt so stupid. He eventually said back to me, i was relieved i couldn't stand not knowing if he did or not.

(two months later)

 It turns out he really does love me, and he has for a long time. It is so weird how one person can make you feel like your whole world is crumbling down, but then make you feel like your his whole world. I feel a little stupid for making it seem like it was the end of my world just two months ago but that's what it felt like. I'm hopelessly devoted to this guy, i can't help but adore him with everything i got. He has caused me a lot of grief for the last year and a half but he is the one who has never forgotten about me. He has never left me behind, and i appreciate him for that. Many people disapprove of our relationship but when i take a look at other peoples relationships i can see that ours is way more healthier. We're mature enough not to do anything stupid, we have fun, we almost never argue and if we do, we're never mad for too long. Being with him is just a big stress reliever, he tells me to "keep calm, but stay focused" I like that motto. He's smart, smarter than most, we talk about our future all the time, but we don't mention each other in our futures because we both know we're not fortune tellers, but what happens, happens. The way he talks about life educates my common sense a little more too. He has almost the same mind set as me, i'm just a little more agressive with my words and i'm a little tougher on myself. When we put our minds together it's like we have a mutual connection that nothing can come in between. I can not go a day without him, well I can but I feel so alone, because he's my best friend. When your bestfriend is gone it feels so lonely right? To anyone else me and him may seem so stupid, but trust me we're not like anybody else and many people may say "When it comes to brains he's got the short of the stick" but i'm young and man i just don't care i'll follow robert anywhere. I'm inlove with the boy.