My convictions! my thoughts! my mind! my life!

Well the things I do for my family should not bother other people, especially when I help out and do things for my mother.
I like to help her out because i know she would try and do it back for me, and it's not just about that either, she has given me the best thing, it's called life. The only reason my dad's side of the family does not approve of me giving her money or doing anything for her is because they think she's treated me so badly through the years of me being with her. Just because they don't like her and wouldn't do shit for her does not mean I'm going stand by and watch her struggle when i know i can help. That is just not right, God says i should love thy mother with all my heart and respect her with everything more. My dad's family do not even know my mom, they have not had a normal conversation with her since i was born. I honestly try my best to look past all the stuff she has put me through, I'm on the forgiving part of it all but i will never forget what it has taught me. In my heart she is the most important person in my life and i should try my best to try and help her out when she is in need.
It bothers me, that people think they have the right to try over mind my feelings, try and control what I feel, and tell me how I should handle the situations I've already said i could resolve for myself. It's hard enough being forbidden to do many things in my life, why do people have to try and over mind my feelings and opinions too? It's bogus.
My feeling, opinions, what i say, and convictions should be mine. We are all different people and some would say I lack the hard headed part of my life, because I would rather spend all my time with someone who has hurt me but has said sorry. I know in some situations you know you're just being stepped all over but sometimes that person can honestly be really committed to their apology and that's what you should think. It doesn't always have to be based on the most negative outcome. I see both sides of an argument, I like to be mindful about really anything, I jump to conclusions and give myself anxiety but i give myself a push towards the positive side. People may say that's stupid but i just think it's being human and kind. You do for others for what you would want them to do for you.
The negative people ruin my flow, but i would be a hypocrite if i were to tell them not to think like that or change theirs feelings around. I really just don't like it when people do that to me, try and control what i think and what i feel, it's so stupid, it's called brainwashing and I've had enough of that in my childhood. I can't be brainwashed anymore I'm too smart to fall for it ever again.

a 34 year old fuckin woman commited suicide yesterday, and she had 4 kids wtf?
I don't know about this town man it's going down the devil is taking over.

and the waiting game begins, lord I know whatever you decide it's for my own good.

My strong moment

Someone asked me, Friday night
"do you want to drink bro?"
 um no thanks
 "well that's fucking lame"
mother fucker,
 You're calling me lame which means weak, and boring.
My original Friday nights I usually try to piece my life together, and sort out my problems.
Besides "bro" one time, when I was only 125 pounds, I killed half a 40 ounce of Smirnoff vodka in half a hour.
The next morning I woke up in the basement wearing only pants.
That shit isn't boring.
I can't drink
I'm allergic to alcohol every time I drink, I break out in handcuffs.
 One time I fell in a swamp and kicked down a door.
 To date I've flashed my boobs, jumped off a roof and went to the church half snapped,
so do not call me boring.
Once I forgot where I was going,
was escorted by boys carrying a jacket, a bag of munchies I stole,
with no shoes. and then they jumped me.
And one time I blacked out so hard
 that I slept with someone who wasn't my boyfriend and faced the depression
and drank for weeks after that.
and tried to hang myself after.
and one time I took more pills than I could remember
and I accepted I would be Dead with in the hour.
 so don't you dare call me weak.
I tried to kill myself  drunk, more times than you can count with your toes and fingers
So don't fucking call me weak, Because I'm still here
I've swallowed more times of regret than you have pumped blood through your body.
Tell my mom it was boring to look her first born in the eyes, to tell her,
 that if she drank one more time she would not be welcomed in this house
Tell my mother i am weak, she who has failed to hold back tears as she ripped a blade from my hands,
 she who has seen her daughter handcuffed to be put on suicidal watch, tell her I'm weak.

The strongest I've ever felt was the first time i said no to a drink.