My convictions! my thoughts! my mind! my life!

Well the things I do for my family should not bother other people, especially when I help out and do things for my mother.
I like to help her out because i know she would try and do it back for me, and it's not just about that either, she has given me the best thing, it's called life. The only reason my dad's side of the family does not approve of me giving her money or doing anything for her is because they think she's treated me so badly through the years of me being with her. Just because they don't like her and wouldn't do shit for her does not mean I'm going stand by and watch her struggle when i know i can help. That is just not right, God says i should love thy mother with all my heart and respect her with everything more. My dad's family do not even know my mom, they have not had a normal conversation with her since i was born. I honestly try my best to look past all the stuff she has put me through, I'm on the forgiving part of it all but i will never forget what it has taught me. In my heart she is the most important person in my life and i should try my best to try and help her out when she is in need.
It bothers me, that people think they have the right to try over mind my feelings, try and control what I feel, and tell me how I should handle the situations I've already said i could resolve for myself. It's hard enough being forbidden to do many things in my life, why do people have to try and over mind my feelings and opinions too? It's bogus.
My feeling, opinions, what i say, and convictions should be mine. We are all different people and some would say I lack the hard headed part of my life, because I would rather spend all my time with someone who has hurt me but has said sorry. I know in some situations you know you're just being stepped all over but sometimes that person can honestly be really committed to their apology and that's what you should think. It doesn't always have to be based on the most negative outcome. I see both sides of an argument, I like to be mindful about really anything, I jump to conclusions and give myself anxiety but i give myself a push towards the positive side. People may say that's stupid but i just think it's being human and kind. You do for others for what you would want them to do for you.
The negative people ruin my flow, but i would be a hypocrite if i were to tell them not to think like that or change theirs feelings around. I really just don't like it when people do that to me, try and control what i think and what i feel, it's so stupid, it's called brainwashing and I've had enough of that in my childhood. I can't be brainwashed anymore I'm too smart to fall for it ever again.

a 34 year old fuckin woman commited suicide yesterday, and she had 4 kids wtf?
I don't know about this town man it's going down the devil is taking over.

and the waiting game begins, lord I know whatever you decide it's for my own good.

My strong moment

Someone asked me, Friday night
"do you want to drink bro?"
 um no thanks
 "well that's fucking lame"
mother fucker,
 You're calling me lame which means weak, and boring.
My original Friday nights I usually try to piece my life together, and sort out my problems.
Besides "bro" one time, when I was only 125 pounds, I killed half a 40 ounce of Smirnoff vodka in half a hour.
The next morning I woke up in the basement wearing only pants.
That shit isn't boring.
I can't drink
I'm allergic to alcohol every time I drink, I break out in handcuffs.
 One time I fell in a swamp and kicked down a door.
 To date I've flashed my boobs, jumped off a roof and went to the church half snapped,
so do not call me boring.
Once I forgot where I was going,
was escorted by boys carrying a jacket, a bag of munchies I stole,
with no shoes. and then they jumped me.
And one time I blacked out so hard
 that I slept with someone who wasn't my boyfriend and faced the depression
and drank for weeks after that.
and tried to hang myself after.
and one time I took more pills than I could remember
and I accepted I would be Dead with in the hour.
 so don't you dare call me weak.
I tried to kill myself  drunk, more times than you can count with your toes and fingers
So don't fucking call me weak, Because I'm still here
I've swallowed more times of regret than you have pumped blood through your body.
Tell my mom it was boring to look her first born in the eyes, to tell her,
 that if she drank one more time she would not be welcomed in this house
Tell my mother i am weak, she who has failed to hold back tears as she ripped a blade from my hands,
 she who has seen her daughter handcuffed to be put on suicidal watch, tell her I'm weak.

The strongest I've ever felt was the first time i said no to a drink.

another fucking girl committed suicide and that's the forth one, who's next?

I create this person in my head, and she's perfect. She's who I promised myself to be.
I cry for a reason, to become a winner
but the blood on my sleeves says I'm a sinner.
I hide myself behind these words of mine
hoping no ones smart enough to know i'm not really fine.
and dying sounds so pretty in a rhyme.
Its a joint in between my finger tips, it's past 2 am when the alcohol slips through my lips.
the thought always grips my throat, while I choke writing a suicide note.
I wake up each day saying hey this could be a good day
but then my pet demon comes and puts the shade of grey.
my tears they fall on my jeans, no one notices because they're staring at screens.
Am I the only one out of thirty teens?
I sometimes pretend my life's a bad dream, that's on repeat, but then
 I realized that this is reality and I scream.
and wish for sanity.
with every emotion, i wish for the day the colors will come,
waiting day by day for some
being trapped, failed, and closed into a ball of misery filled with distress that makes me dizzy.
peacefully my demon refuses to free my mind, i believe some people are not designed to be blessed, and it makes them something less.
 and all I got left is to choose whether to put on my armour be fore i throw myself into the war that is waiting for me to die.
sometimes I cry for what i have become.
Sometimes i cry for the reasons of my scars
Sometimes i cry for the demons I've left behind
Sometimes i cry because i miss the breath of someone in my bed
Sometimes i cry because i wish i was dead

Dear depression
I remember the first day I met you, I was five years old.
when my mother would not come home.
you were my friend since then.
You showed up again when I saw my parents fighting
you were agreeing with those people who said my clothes were ugly, the ones my mom could hardly afford.
you told me that the only thing i'll ever be good at is washing these walls and doing the laundry
You were there through the years of  me being held down and being shoved aside.
when I was twelve you told me I should just end this life of mine because no one will ever give me happiness.
that being sad is all i'll ever be.
You were there when I took my first shot of burning liquor and you held it up till I had every last drop.
you told me every night that the world is unfair, that nothings ever going to be okay.
because i'm ugly, unlovable and stupid, with nothing to give and that i'm not normal.
My mind was taken over by you when I was thirteen.
the day when that drunk man touched me
you were there when I punched myself over and over for not screaming or stopping it.
the day my mother was drunk getting mad at me
and when the workers came and took us away the next day.
you created a monster of me.
you put the blame all on me
when I was fourteen, you made me slit my wrists, when I almost died and got put on suicidal watch.
You told me that he will never love me like he loved her.
You were there when I first got called a whore
. and when every man went inside me each time.
You said I was used and gross after that.
You were there choking me when I couldn't breath
 when I was thinking about my past.
You made me feel like I was nothing inside
You agreed with the people who said I was just going through a phase.
when the bruise on my face was labeled as blacked out times
Each night you would put the worst things I've done in my head, making me scream, and cry
you pulled me in deep, pushing my hand harder on the blade each time.
by 15  you made me believe every bad thing you said.
each time I got called a whore
a basty child who cries and hits the floor
the kid who slashes her wrists, day by day more and more
a low life with nothing to show for
You were there through every milestone I can remember
No one ever told you to leave me alone
You disguised yourself as me with a smile.
You made me re long sleeves and made me say all the right things in front of people who care.
you made me sad everyday even when things got fun
you took it away
you made everything happy go away
You took him and made me say
" I cheated on and i'm not sorry"
the only way I could forget about you was to take my bottle and chug it.
I was unable to go through with life with you by my side,
you said I can only get rid of you if I died.
so I said good bye, grabbed a rope and tied it tight.
as I hung I knew that this was it, no more hurt
no more screaming or panic attacks
I'm leaving behind YOU depression it's over now.
but then I hit the floor and someone whispered in my ear.
" you have something to live for, I want you to fight for what u want from life.
depression is your enemy, if you die tonight i'm afraid you're proving him right.
it is you who controls it and you have made him up with your own imagination. "
I stood up, knees trembling my tears falling.
and I said
"you won't control my life no more"
It Is I who has to control me, with out the word depression in my life. you aren't real and i'm done believing the lies you have told me my whole life. you are done making all things sad for me, it's over
I am something

3 only 3 things

I'm a horrible person, dammit here I go again and it's suppose to be a new year new me lmao. dammit whatever, let's just see how this plays out for me.
there are three things I promised myself
1. Finish highschool
2. Not kill myself
3. don't get pregnant
only three things.
So i'm not a horrible person in my eyes but other people have different standards and expectations for me, i'm through living for them I am now living for myself and my own standards. I do not care what people think, if they don't like what I do or what I like then they can just cry me a river. I've been trying to be good enough for people ever since I can remember and most of my sadness and depression was caused by not feeling good enough. It only matters how I feel about myself and stop living other people standards and start living by my own. So I know I did some awful things in my time but who gives a shit, I've paid my do's and I have changes my ways. ooh yes it's better now, people still put me down but as long as I finish highschool, not kill myself and don't get pregnant before 18 i'll be happy with myself for the rest of my life. And to all the bitches who think those standards aren't high enough then just keep your two cents out of business I don't that kind of negativity in my life.

"It's just a bad day, not a bad life.. "
Nothing lasts forever, only death...there's no turning back from that.
People deserve to live till they're old.
the young should be burying the old, it shouldn't be the other way around.
The devil is taking over this town, it's beginning to be sin every where we go now.
Smudging in the class rooms has begun and there is bulletin boards with scripts from the bible. It's very depressing that this kind of thing has to be done first in order for people to understand, that doing harmful things to your self is wrong.
being hurt isn't fun and the wait until it's over isn't either, but some people need to be tough and try and fight through it. It's tough to be tough after being tough for so long and be abandoned, parents don't show their love like they used too.
 When children grow up in bad lives and get put through foster care, home to home.
The children think of the foster parents: "well if we're bad we'll just be sent to another home."
" We know these people don't love us they just want something to tell about, so they look good and get paid while doing it." This is how it feels for a kid who has been in the system for years. They can be bad knowing another home will be lined up because no one "can deal" with bad troubled kids.
The system isn't a fun place. We're there because our parents are unfit parents, they either hit us, resent us, drink harshly and neglect or simply just can't look after us and give us up.
"You're suppose to love and look after ur kids, give them teachings, play with them, hug them and kiss them. Why wouldn't a parent want to do something other than look after their kid? why would any body else love me if my own mother doesn't even care about me ? I must not have nothing worth giving any one if my own parents didn't see it in me?" *starts crying*
It's harsh in the mind of us, the devil puts this into the mind of a child because he knows they'll believe him and refuse to believe anything else. The child will be like this well until he's grown, unless he's introduce to Him the Lord our Father. He is our truth, and love, there are reasons for our mistakes and failure.
there just isn't much people teaching about the lord and so our world will come to a end

The Beautiful misery

Look at the sky
You'll see her shine so bright
Souring through the northern lights
She was never ours to keep

Her purpose to live was to give up everything.
To  show us that tomorrow isn't promising.
He took her away to that place so beautiful
Her life was short of time
And now we're left to cry
But she was never ours to keep

She's not gone her life goes on
But we didn't get to say goodbye
Sorrow is sickness that kills blindly

The shadows of the light, create fear for all
The weak will take a fall
The strong will battle to the end
Some strong can't face this sad life song
Because it's playing for way to long
Yes I know, everyone hurts

Guilt should not be held on to
That will lead to a bottle shared by two
She doesn't want you to be sad like her.
Be glad she's in a better place
tonight and forever.

She sings
The sunsets my home and the stars you see are the sparkle of my eyes.
I'm in the morning breeze
I'm everywhere even in the clouds and trees.
It was my time to go you won't understand right now.
But I'll let you know
When you see me in your dreams
I'm right beside you everyday
Watching over you day by day
Day by day

Look at the sky
You'll see her shine so bright
Souring through the northern lights
She was never ours to keep

My body's in the ground but my soul is still around.

by; cass

Where's the love these days ?

The house is so quiet, it's grey outside, with a hint of blue.
It is the color I feel my soul is.
Changing with every wind or time of day.
One color to the next.
Morning can be vibrant like water falls of orange and pink,
By day, the sun shining with a bright blue sky, and
The evening it's a mountain of violet.
This could be, if the dim and grey didn't come by everyday.
It all depends on what the winds display
At night it's always black with sparkles of light everywhere.
The dark sky is the Struggle, fear and guilt.
The stars represent dreams of which I wish upon myself.
But The moon is the hope for tomorrow.

In some of our own worlds it's never bright, but always grey and dark.

Another suicide in our community, that's three since the new year. We need to tell our young people that there is something better out there for them. There isn't much to see but rez dogs and drunks walking around.
Most of our parents are mean, not really caring or just drunks. They loves us, but they have their own problems and we aren't number one. There isn't much hope when we look around at the other people in the community either. We get the great opportunities as much as others but it's hard for a native out there. Raised around parties, welfare and teen pregnancies. Our culture is in the ground these days and everyone puts us down. \We are poor, uneducated and alcoholics by the time we're 20.
To just be very honest, natives hardly ever go anywhere with their lives, there is probably 1 out of 10 chance that we will go to college to do something useful with our lives. It doesn't make sense to try and prove the whites wrong, because we will always will be put down and be labeled as free loaders or drunks.
 Our towns have to be run by the white people because we're too busy complaining about treaty rights that were taken away a long time ago. It was our land to begin with, and now it's filled with immigrants. The government already gives us money to look after our kids. Well how is that suppose to help our name, we are made to look like charity cases and we are given less than the refugees, who are just trying to get our country destroyed by terrorists. but they get pity and we get discrimination, it's so sickening.
 People drink way too much around all northern communities, it's as if it's God. It is making our minds sick, the devils consuming our bodies when we drink it. It's easier for the devil to take over the weak and innocent child, over a more wise adult. Our generations of family have had a history of alcoholism since the whites introduced it to us and it just got used for forgetting the pain when the Residential schools came in place. When you see mommy drink, you want to drink too, is that hard to get but some don't always want to be like mommy. So if daddy's good maybe that will make a difference in the family tree. It's not hard to get. The amount of abuse it brings into peoples lives hurt the hearts of children, all the bad in life hurt when it's hard to forgive.
Religion was taken away from the young people, no body teaches it no more. Some may not believe in it, but it gives you a kind of hope for a good day when you do something good. like karma. I believe in karma more than anything.
There isn't enough good in this world everything is being taken over by evil. There isn't no forgiveness, teaching or stable homes anymore.
The youth feel like when we are gone from this world and our hearts stop...
We will have no more pain, no more troubles, no more worries.
We will never have to cry again or wish for a different life.
We won't have to bring our knees to our face to control our breathing, no more locking ourselves in the bathroom!
We won't have to wipe our tears over and over or worry about what tomorrow will bring.
We won't have to figure out how to fix it or have the pressure of the future.
The scars have no affect over her life anymore, the pain is gone and it was probably given to the people who cared and were there. But it doesn't matter because she is gone, it's not her problem anymore.

Why would any one want to live when they are constantly put down, hit or treated unfair. We can not be hard hearted all the time, and not care about it. Sure there are many things to live for and they know it too, They just feel like it's not worth it anymore! They know it can be much worse but shouldn't it be better then the worser ? Shouldn't we be happy when we have homes with a mom and food ? the question is why aren't we? We are missing the communication, the LOVE!!! Where's all the love these days?? the hugs?? the good mornings and goodnights ?? the I love you my girl?? why can't we hear our mom say I love you and believe it for once in our lives. If I had that? I wouldn't even care if I lived in a box somewhere, as long as I had the love of others i'd feel okay.

Feelings are just a face book status, a cry for help no body takes seriously. We want to make things better but when we say that all people do is talk or give lectures about the past and how they over came "the almost exact same thing." Where's the after school support group or the weekend check ups, the homes for which all the brothers and sisters of the foster care system can live with one another. \I want to see action for our youth, not the pitiful words from these adults these days. MY generation needs a rescuer and it won't be coming from our moms and dads, It Has To Be Us.  We are the new, we get it, we know how one another feel, and it is so more complex than you think. The other generations feel like it's just the same as when they were kids but it's not, the worlds different. It's a lot more meaner, and tough. Way more dangerous and distractive. Filled evil, drugs and alcohol.
It hurts, its hurts so much not all of us have enough hope
not enough for one another
I can have hope, I gave up trying to give up my life.
I pasted that path, it's too late turn back
so I gotta go all the way to the end

Well 16 years ago today i was sliced out of my mother's belly, wow! how great it feels to reach this age, I guess it's not the sweet sixteen i expected but it's still great. Cake, balloons, presents, just like a birthday party when i was kid. I love that, because i never really celebrated my birthdays when i was kid but i always had cake at least and my one friend Tishal always came. They were still the greatest, back then my special day was important to me, because it was the one day of the year when I felt special. Today i feel that special feeling, :) i got through another crazy year with myself all in one piece. A year older means i must be wiser.

i have hope still

I haven't written in my blog for more than twp weeks, and the last time i wrote something it wasn't the smartest post(s). That's a lesson to oneself - don't write in your blog while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, if you're sad and depressed and not if you're mad at someone or with life. I made that mistake and it ended badly, i was mad at the world i guess i felt like no one was on my side. I just didn't take a good look at the side i was on. I never realized that the side i'm fighting against is the side i should be on, it makes more sense in my head then when i say it out loud. *opps better not say that or another person will think i'm crazy*
Yes two weekends ago i wanted to kill myself and i know in my previous blog i said something about "the blood on my wrists" I didn't cut my wrists, nor did i think anyone would have read it i just thought maybe i should write this just in case i do it or something and just leave this written here if i do end up killing myself. Deep down i know i can't do that to myself, I've worked so fucking hard for this life. I've been through too fucking much to give up now, seeing me fall is just what the devil wants and when i drink that his poison i'm drinking filling my head with all the bad so i can fall down to his level and forget about all the hope i have stored in my heart. He tries to scream as loud as he can in my head all day about all the bad things that are going on in my life but no matter how loud that son of a bitch is i can still hear God clearly whispering in my ear, he says "keep going my girl, i have you, i'll guide and i will help just keep going, it will get better...Good awaits you my child" There is good that awaits me i feel it god knows i'm so lonely too so he treats me with dreams of my family and friends back home at night time after i pray for them.

never thought i'd say this but i think they're all right and i'm just wrong.

because he loves her

The boys only act like they like you, and once they snag you, it's hump and then the next day dump, and there's a baby carriage before any actual marriage. Men will show a women his love for her, he will woo her until she gives in to him, but there's an actual marriage or promise made before anything else. He'll promise not to hurt her and keep that promise until the day he dies. He'll keep her by his side and make sure no one else tries to hurt her. If someone were to hurt her, then they're asking for their head to be smashed on the ground from the Man who loves her so. He wants nothing but his woman to be happy, he'll do anything for her he would even go to jail. It's little much but nothing is too much for her in his eyes. To him she is beauty itself, eveything about her is amazing and he'll never think otherwise because he loves her.

haters gone hate but i'm just gonna shake!

I am Happy, there is nobody in this world that can take this feeling away from me. Not even that immature, iggnorant, piece of shit Justice he doesn't deserve the satisfaction of seeing me mad.

I'm taking advice from Gloria Gaynor and Taylor Swift

Gloria Gaynor: "I am what i am, i am my own special creation life's not worth a dam till you can shout out I am what I am "
Taylor Swift: "
I stay up too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say
That's what people say
I go on too many dates
But I can't make them stay
At least that's what people say
I stay up too late
Got nothing in my brain
That's what people say"
They don't give a fuck, and that's the way I should be.
I can be fat, short, skinny, tall, a slut, a dick, a weirdo, anything as long as I love myself and love who i am. I have to be sure to have my happiness, pride, and dignity as well those are what is most important, it's right next your hope, faith and passion. You also have to have courage, strength and a good honest opinion if you're on your way to the top. If you know the meaning to all those words your half ways to finding out your own meaning of life.

It's nobody else's life but mine, i get to make the decisions in it. Not one soul can tell me i'm suppose to be like them, because i'm not, i can't be like anyone else i have to be a unique individual in my own little way. I might have had a few different boyfriends in the past, you wan to know why because i'm trying to find someone to love and i accomplished the goal and i'm so happy. I would have never been able to do it with out going on so many dates. I'm not going to care about the stuff i hear people saying about me, because I have much more important shit to be thinking about. In the end it only matter what you think, and a few words from a bunch of losers shouldn't even mess with the way you think about yourself.
I found someone who loves me for everything i am, and that was my only goal I had this year. I accomplised by not givving a fuck about those losers. if i can do it i'm sure anyone can ignore fuckers in life like the ones that surround me in mine.
I am currently doing okay even with all the bad situations i have myself in, because i have my love and encourages me to do better, supports my decisions, and gives me comfort. That is all that matters to me right now, but don't worry i still care about other things i'm not a complete idiot with my boyfriend i still have other priorities that matter as much as him only dumb girls act like their boyfriends are the only people they should be paying attention to, or the relationship they have is more important than anything else. He is my everything, and helps me with everyhting else. :)

My ill mind

I'm sitting here in class while i write this, i am suppose to be listening to my teacher and I'm trying so hard too but she's rambling on about something i don't know nothing about. I can never understand what i'm doing in school nothing ever catches my interest. So I never do my work, but i take in all the notes and i listen. When it comes to tests or assignments i'm lost and in need of serious help. All my assignments are late, I have about eighteen in total that are not finsihed, my attendance is fairly good though. I show up and listen but i feel like i need help but i don't want to ask for it or I'll feel so dumb. I just want a teacher to offer it, and to just see the struggle in my eyes. I'm beginning to feel that laziness and that lack of hard work in my body. I seriously don't know what happened to me I use to be so good in school, I use to be able to get everything right, i could write a million notes if someone wanted me to. Now I act like i can't even pick up the pencil. Something has happened to me since grade eight, but all I know is my self-esteem has dropped since then and my stress level has risen in these past two years. Maybe those two factors are a source of why I'm feeling like this, I'm not going to ask anybody about it though. Lots of things have happened to me during grade 9 and 10, I've experienced life a little more. I guess i'm just not liking it so i'm giving up slowly ,I can't give up though. But every time i tell myself that I'm just lying to myself I'm not motivated at all, I think so hard about it too. I try to convince myself in order to be a journalist I have to get through high school. Highschool is hard but i don't think it really is, all i'm stressed about is the work we have to do. I'm seriously in a hole that I dug myself, I don't care that i'm in it but deep down I want out so bad.

This shit is confusing as fuck, i can barely understand myself, so I highly doubt anyone else will.

him

I want to feel my pain leave my body for good, I'm waiting patiently for that relief to fill my mind and body. In the past month I've passed all my exams and got ungrounded for doing so, i thought it would make me feel better if i was not grounded anymore. It did not -,-

My whole world has come down because of a boy, I would have never thought i would be saying this but it is true. I am so mad and yea i should just let it go but i can't. He's been messing with my heart since 2012, and he's destroyed it once last time but it was so much different then all the other times. I confessed my love for him in a little note, it was written in rich detail. He read it in front of me, when he was finished he asked me if i really loved him he made me look into his eyes and say it. I did it with great pleasure but he had not said it himself. So i was little hesitant of ever saying it again, I just felt so stupid. He eventually said back to me, i was relieved i couldn't stand not knowing if he did or not.

(two months later)

 It turns out he really does love me, and he has for a long time. It is so weird how one person can make you feel like your whole world is crumbling down, but then make you feel like your his whole world. I feel a little stupid for making it seem like it was the end of my world just two months ago but that's what it felt like. I'm hopelessly devoted to this guy, i can't help but adore him with everything i got. He has caused me a lot of grief for the last year and a half but he is the one who has never forgotten about me. He has never left me behind, and i appreciate him for that. Many people disapprove of our relationship but when i take a look at other peoples relationships i can see that ours is way more healthier. We're mature enough not to do anything stupid, we have fun, we almost never argue and if we do, we're never mad for too long. Being with him is just a big stress reliever, he tells me to "keep calm, but stay focused" I like that motto. He's smart, smarter than most, we talk about our future all the time, but we don't mention each other in our futures because we both know we're not fortune tellers, but what happens, happens. The way he talks about life educates my common sense a little more too. He has almost the same mind set as me, i'm just a little more agressive with my words and i'm a little tougher on myself. When we put our minds together it's like we have a mutual connection that nothing can come in between. I can not go a day without him, well I can but I feel so alone, because he's my best friend. When your bestfriend is gone it feels so lonely right? To anyone else me and him may seem so stupid, but trust me we're not like anybody else and many people may say "When it comes to brains he's got the short of the stick" but i'm young and man i just don't care i'll follow robert anywhere. I'm inlove with the boy.

We don't want *BOYS*DROP-OUTS*POTHEADS* or *DRUNKS* we want *MEN!*REAL-ONES* not ones that only *PRETEND* to be. This isn't a *JOKE* it's *REALITY*

So teen pregnancy aye ?
 that option is NOT on the table for me, i can't even find a boy worth keeping around.
I worry about my girlfriends though the ones that are "Bunk and In-love" sure they're in love with a boy that seems to be "The boy of their dreams, " but most guys around here just want to shack up and give you hickies. That is not cute that's gross, but most of my girlfriends find that really cute and want those relationship goals >.< Then they end up having sex, for a while it's safe then they shack- up. My close friend has been going out with this guy for about 8 months, they didn't shack-up completely but their parents think it's okay for them to sleep at each other places, any day of the week even if my friend has school. The guy is a loser, he doesn't go to school because he got kicked out, that's pretty fucked up for someone who is suppose to be a "Adult." The Fucker thinks he can make a living by working at the liquor mart, and if that doesn't work he's going to the army. -,- He's a full blown moron.
Well they are in-love i guess, he loves her and she loves him. Love when you're a teenager  is praised too highly, or i should just say Overrated. Everyone wants love when your my age, it's the one thing that will take you away from the bullshit, For the girls i should say. I don't know what goes on in the boys mind. All i know is that all this love shit fucks everyone over when they're young and irresponsible.
Teen pregnancy occurs in a lot of these "love things" especially the ones in this town. The guys are so irresponsible, and the girls are blinded by their good looks and the lovey dovey feelings that are bouncing around inside. Some of them want to get pregnant, so they can keep them around for good. Who wants that ?! wtf ?
I wish everyone had a fairy god mother or a Guardian angel for fuck sakes but no this isn't a fantasy this is reality. Kids are dumb they will choose to ignore it or do something about it. It just pisses me off that sooooooooo many people in this town think that getting pregnant is the answer. i'm not against pregnancy, I'm just against my friend being pregnant. :'(  i don't want her to be pregnant, and I'm not even going to be able to go check with her because I'm grounded. That stupid asshole, better stick with her if she is, or I'm going to fucking fuck him up man. i may be small but i'm perfectly capable !

These guys in this town don't even have any goals, aside from banging a bunch of hoes and packing a bowl. They're forced to go to school because their parents make them go and all they do is play beer pong and hang out with their bro's. Most of them that are running around here blacked out, have never had strict parents. Almost all of them have their brain cells rotten by weed, and they feel if they don't have it life is incomplete. They're fucking adults with no skills at all, they don't read any books, or write, they don't draw, they literally do nothing at all. Some think they're so slick and good and they're magically going to make life by bouncing a ball. Their lazy asses don't commit to labor, they pick something up, try it out, and put it down two minutes later. They complain about life because it's not glamorous like they want it to be, and anyone who calls down on it is a hater? 
The term "real nigga" is always used, and i need to know what it means because i'm fucking confused. Are you one because you got blacked out drunk and made you're friends die of laughter, when you almost broke your neck falling off that latter? That real nigga talk seems like bogus 
A real nigga, doesn't brag about being real, and his future doesn't seem hopeless. A real nigga stays out of jail, handles shit and keeps focused.
These guys were inspired to be this way, there was nothing better to do but be "cool" like their parents. If they don't want to get their life together they better get used to roaming around the slums and it won't be like Paris!


#dumbasses #GoBackToSchool #GetYourLifeTogether #KeepItInYourPants
I'm so sick of hearing of you cunts not making it !!

Oh the Rubber Bands on my head are giving me a mirgraine. :(

You may not believe it but I'm better known for being a whore or bitch. I'm well known for being a pill popping drug addict like my mom, and i can drink beer as well as her too. I'm a jail bird and i like to be arrested. This is my reputation I've created for myself, I'm reminded on a daily basis that this is who i am. My actions are what caused this all to happen. I'm so fucking stupid man, I could just cry, i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to let it all out. I want to cry as hard as I can to get all the feelings and sadness out. I can't do that though, i have to keep a low profile on the crazy, because I'm also known very well for being a crazy bitch that cuts herself.
It feels like there's millions of tight elastic bands around my head, each elastic band represents a problems or situation that bugs the shit out of me. They are giving me a migraine, make it stop for the love of gawd!
 I have to worry about school, I'm not that bright either but everyone thinks i am and that's a problem. When i think of school it makes me feel sick in my stomach because I don't do well in it. After every weekend, i wish it didn't end i hate school, but i need it.
My family makes it hard for me to do anything, i need time to study but i need to make so much more time for them. They think i can just catch up on work just like that, but i just end up falling behind, they don't care it's not them. My family wants me to fail, so they can say "I told you so." Every year i get asked if my grades are low yet, fuckers aye? And if my grades are not higher then they're disappointed as fuck.
My social life is horrible everyday I find out how fake my friends are. I'm slowly not liking the people i call my friends, but they're my only friends i have. There is just too much drama going on, between everyone. I hate that, it used to be fun hanging out with them now it's more like "putting up with each other" I have a rubber band on my head for each friend, for each parent, for each brother and sister. They all think poorly of me, I'm not welcome in lots of homes and I'm not aloud to hang out with anyone my own age. I'm the worst influence, especially on the pure and innocent, but i would i take someone pure and innocent and turn them into someone like me? That's horrible i encourage the pure and innocent to stay like that, and not let this town drag them down the way it did to me.
I have a rubber band on my head for Joyce, every day i find out something she has said about me. Today i found she's secretly going to send me to the treatment center in Thompson. That will be a excellent way to start off my new year -,-
There's big Rubber band that represents me trying to get my life together. It's going to take a while to convince people i want to change. Today is December 18th, it's been two days of me being sober, soon it will be 3 months sober. I need people to understand that I'm trying really hard to be the person society wants me to be. I want to be smart, because it's what they want. I want to be a alcohol free person, Because it's what they want. I want to be skinny, pretty, and tall. I want to be successful and make lots of money, Because that's what everyone wants. -,-
What do i want ?
I want to be happy, and accepted. I want to be free of all the rubber bands and all the stress that everyone puts on me. I can't wait to live on my on, and be financially independent. Being a teenager sucks, i want to be a grown up, I've been grown for a long time, people just don't believe me when i say that. I know all about grown up life. The money, The bills, The job, The everything.I want it, i just haven't passed the age part yet. 2 1/2 more years and I'll be who i always wanted to be. Independent and Important
 All these rubber bands are stepping stools, and i know that my mind has just been taking in all this shit since i was just a little shit. I have rubber bands on my head that have been there for years. For example the rubber band that represents my mother. That one is the one i really want to get off and burn, me and my mother won't be happy with each other until one of us wins the lotto. I think she'll be fine with me when i make her a grandma though. We have a few problems but i'm going to wait till she wants to talk about them.
My dad's rubber band is always going to on my head, he always has beef with me. He says he'll be my problem till the day he dies, it's a little harsh but it's just the way he is. He makes me stress about a whole lot of different rubber bands though. He gives me the most grief in my life, my mom doesn't do that she tries to stay out of my way and tries not to bother.
I try not to think of them, but when i'm older i will regret it because they aren't around forever.
Rubber band for each teacher that has faith in me, and encourages me to do better. I feel shitty when they do that Because I'm not brilliant as Roosevelt was.



 I wish i could just sleep forever, when i sleep there's no worries, or struggles i have to face just fantasies and unrealistic bullshit that i love.
I'm carrying 40 bricks on my back and putting on 60 rubber bands on my head every time i wake up in the morning and they just add through out the day. I'm fighting invisible tigers, they're stalking me as i make my way through this jungle called LIFE.
 I was promised it gets better though, I'm going to keep saying that to myself until it actually does get better.

"Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be."

Carry on.

If we rebel we're Failures in society's eyes.

I extrapolate my feelings, but i can't change even if i tried.
I can hold my breath, I can fake a smile, I can force a laugh, and be a good machine like everyone else, I can do it.
They can throw their words, they're sharper than a knife.
You take a deep breath and walk through the doors you got to be able to look into everyone's eyes. Everyone's clouded by lies, they're up in smoke with lies that everyone hides behind every single day of our lives.
Be careful there are some that can peek through your lies and expose them to the world, fights happen, the teasing, the drama.
You got to act like you don't care, like you can't hear the words they say.
In This itty bitty town, there's nothing better to do.
Count to ten.
Take it in.
This is life.
The war outside my door keeps raging on, we pray to him to make it stop.
It hurts when you try to make things right, and all that they can see in you is Wrong.
I guess it's true what they say "Trust is like a paper, once it's crumpled it can be perfect again."

You walk through the halls, and everyone's eyes look at you, with disappointment.
 " Don't make me feel like that, I beg of you, please don't. " in my head**
Nobody will care until it's their turn and everyone's against them.
Nobody will ever know if a he or she is being tortured with the words from their mouths, because no one can speak there mind, not nowadays. They hide their emotions with the lies, fake smiles and what not.
Troubles grow as you recount them, let it go and carry on. Live in the moment, But rebels are failures in society's eyes.

I can hold my breath, but for how long ?
I can fake a smile, but behind it is everything you'll never understand.
I can force a laugh, but you won't know if it was real or not.

there's some things they'll never know.
At this moment I'm hiding what I'm feeling, but I'm tired of holding this inside my head.

But I smile and act like nothing's wrong, it's called "dealing with it and staying strong."