You may not believe it but I'm better known for being a whore or bitch. I'm well known for being a pill popping drug addict like my mom, and i can drink beer as well as her too. I'm a jail bird and i like to be arrested. This is my reputation I've created for myself, I'm reminded on a daily basis that this is who i am. My actions are what caused this all to happen. I'm so fucking stupid man, I could just cry, i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to let it all out. I want to cry as hard as I can to get all the feelings and sadness out. I can't do that though, i have to keep a low profile on the crazy, because I'm also known very well for being a crazy bitch that cuts herself.
It feels like there's millions of tight elastic bands around my head, each elastic band represents a problems or situation that bugs the shit out of me. They are giving me a migraine, make it stop for the love of gawd!
I have to worry about school, I'm not that bright either but everyone thinks i am and that's a problem. When i think of school it makes me feel sick in my stomach because I don't do well in it. After every weekend, i wish it didn't end i hate school, but i need it.
My family makes it hard for me to do anything, i need time to study but i need to make so much more time for them. They think i can just catch up on work just like that, but i just end up falling behind, they don't care it's not them. My family wants me to fail, so they can say "I told you so." Every year i get asked if my grades are low yet, fuckers aye? And if my grades are not higher then they're disappointed as fuck.
My social life is horrible everyday I find out how fake my friends are. I'm slowly not liking the people i call my friends, but they're my only friends i have. There is just too much drama going on, between everyone. I hate that, it used to be fun hanging out with them now it's more like "putting up with each other" I have a rubber band on my head for each friend, for each parent, for each brother and sister. They all think poorly of me, I'm not welcome in lots of homes and I'm not aloud to hang out with anyone my own age. I'm the worst influence, especially on the pure and innocent, but i would i take someone pure and innocent and turn them into someone like me? That's horrible i encourage the pure and innocent to stay like that, and not let this town drag them down the way it did to me.
I have a rubber band on my head for Joyce, every day i find out something she has said about me. Today i found she's secretly going to send me to the treatment center in Thompson. That will be a excellent way to start off my new year -,-
There's big Rubber band that represents me trying to get my life together. It's going to take a while to convince people i want to change. Today is December 18th, it's been two days of me being sober, soon it will be 3 months sober. I need people to understand that I'm trying really hard to be the person society wants me to be. I want to be smart, because it's what they want. I want to be a alcohol free person, Because it's what they want. I want to be skinny, pretty, and tall. I want to be successful and make lots of money, Because that's what everyone wants. -,-
What do i want ?
I want to be happy, and accepted. I want to be free of all the rubber bands and all the stress that everyone puts on me. I can't wait to live on my on, and be financially independent. Being a teenager sucks, i want to be a grown up, I've been grown for a long time, people just don't believe me when i say that. I know all about grown up life. The money, The bills, The job, The everything.I want it, i just haven't passed the age part yet. 2 1/2 more years and I'll be who i always wanted to be. Independent and Important
All these rubber bands are stepping stools, and i know that my mind has just been taking in all this shit since i was just a little shit. I have rubber bands on my head that have been there for years. For example the rubber band that represents my mother. That one is the one i really want to get off and burn, me and my mother won't be happy with each other until one of us wins the lotto. I think she'll be fine with me when i make her a grandma though. We have a few problems but i'm going to wait till she wants to talk about them.
My dad's rubber band is always going to on my head, he always has beef with me. He says he'll be my problem till the day he dies, it's a little harsh but it's just the way he is. He makes me stress about a whole lot of different rubber bands though. He gives me the most grief in my life, my mom doesn't do that she tries to stay out of my way and tries not to bother.
I try not to think of them, but when i'm older i will regret it because they aren't around forever.
Rubber band for each teacher that has faith in me, and encourages me to do better. I feel shitty when they do that Because I'm not brilliant as Roosevelt was.
I wish i could just sleep forever, when i sleep there's no worries, or struggles i have to face just fantasies and unrealistic bullshit that i love.
I'm carrying 40 bricks on my back and putting on 60 rubber bands on my head every time i wake up in the morning and they just add through out the day. I'm fighting invisible tigers, they're stalking me as i make my way through this jungle called LIFE.
I was promised it gets better though, I'm going to keep saying that to myself until it actually does get better.
"Don't let them in, don't let them see, be the good girl you always have to be."
No comments:
Post a Comment