My ill mind

I'm sitting here in class while i write this, i am suppose to be listening to my teacher and I'm trying so hard too but she's rambling on about something i don't know nothing about. I can never understand what i'm doing in school nothing ever catches my interest. So I never do my work, but i take in all the notes and i listen. When it comes to tests or assignments i'm lost and in need of serious help. All my assignments are late, I have about eighteen in total that are not finsihed, my attendance is fairly good though. I show up and listen but i feel like i need help but i don't want to ask for it or I'll feel so dumb. I just want a teacher to offer it, and to just see the struggle in my eyes. I'm beginning to feel that laziness and that lack of hard work in my body. I seriously don't know what happened to me I use to be so good in school, I use to be able to get everything right, i could write a million notes if someone wanted me to. Now I act like i can't even pick up the pencil. Something has happened to me since grade eight, but all I know is my self-esteem has dropped since then and my stress level has risen in these past two years. Maybe those two factors are a source of why I'm feeling like this, I'm not going to ask anybody about it though. Lots of things have happened to me during grade 9 and 10, I've experienced life a little more. I guess i'm just not liking it so i'm giving up slowly ,I can't give up though. But every time i tell myself that I'm just lying to myself I'm not motivated at all, I think so hard about it too. I try to convince myself in order to be a journalist I have to get through high school. Highschool is hard but i don't think it really is, all i'm stressed about is the work we have to do. I'm seriously in a hole that I dug myself, I don't care that i'm in it but deep down I want out so bad.

This shit is confusing as fuck, i can barely understand myself, so I highly doubt anyone else will.

him

I want to feel my pain leave my body for good, I'm waiting patiently for that relief to fill my mind and body. In the past month I've passed all my exams and got ungrounded for doing so, i thought it would make me feel better if i was not grounded anymore. It did not -,-

My whole world has come down because of a boy, I would have never thought i would be saying this but it is true. I am so mad and yea i should just let it go but i can't. He's been messing with my heart since 2012, and he's destroyed it once last time but it was so much different then all the other times. I confessed my love for him in a little note, it was written in rich detail. He read it in front of me, when he was finished he asked me if i really loved him he made me look into his eyes and say it. I did it with great pleasure but he had not said it himself. So i was little hesitant of ever saying it again, I just felt so stupid. He eventually said back to me, i was relieved i couldn't stand not knowing if he did or not.

(two months later)

 It turns out he really does love me, and he has for a long time. It is so weird how one person can make you feel like your whole world is crumbling down, but then make you feel like your his whole world. I feel a little stupid for making it seem like it was the end of my world just two months ago but that's what it felt like. I'm hopelessly devoted to this guy, i can't help but adore him with everything i got. He has caused me a lot of grief for the last year and a half but he is the one who has never forgotten about me. He has never left me behind, and i appreciate him for that. Many people disapprove of our relationship but when i take a look at other peoples relationships i can see that ours is way more healthier. We're mature enough not to do anything stupid, we have fun, we almost never argue and if we do, we're never mad for too long. Being with him is just a big stress reliever, he tells me to "keep calm, but stay focused" I like that motto. He's smart, smarter than most, we talk about our future all the time, but we don't mention each other in our futures because we both know we're not fortune tellers, but what happens, happens. The way he talks about life educates my common sense a little more too. He has almost the same mind set as me, i'm just a little more agressive with my words and i'm a little tougher on myself. When we put our minds together it's like we have a mutual connection that nothing can come in between. I can not go a day without him, well I can but I feel so alone, because he's my best friend. When your bestfriend is gone it feels so lonely right? To anyone else me and him may seem so stupid, but trust me we're not like anybody else and many people may say "When it comes to brains he's got the short of the stick" but i'm young and man i just don't care i'll follow robert anywhere. I'm inlove with the boy.