My convictions! my thoughts! my mind! my life!

Well the things I do for my family should not bother other people, especially when I help out and do things for my mother.
I like to help her out because i know she would try and do it back for me, and it's not just about that either, she has given me the best thing, it's called life. The only reason my dad's side of the family does not approve of me giving her money or doing anything for her is because they think she's treated me so badly through the years of me being with her. Just because they don't like her and wouldn't do shit for her does not mean I'm going stand by and watch her struggle when i know i can help. That is just not right, God says i should love thy mother with all my heart and respect her with everything more. My dad's family do not even know my mom, they have not had a normal conversation with her since i was born. I honestly try my best to look past all the stuff she has put me through, I'm on the forgiving part of it all but i will never forget what it has taught me. In my heart she is the most important person in my life and i should try my best to try and help her out when she is in need.
It bothers me, that people think they have the right to try over mind my feelings, try and control what I feel, and tell me how I should handle the situations I've already said i could resolve for myself. It's hard enough being forbidden to do many things in my life, why do people have to try and over mind my feelings and opinions too? It's bogus.
My feeling, opinions, what i say, and convictions should be mine. We are all different people and some would say I lack the hard headed part of my life, because I would rather spend all my time with someone who has hurt me but has said sorry. I know in some situations you know you're just being stepped all over but sometimes that person can honestly be really committed to their apology and that's what you should think. It doesn't always have to be based on the most negative outcome. I see both sides of an argument, I like to be mindful about really anything, I jump to conclusions and give myself anxiety but i give myself a push towards the positive side. People may say that's stupid but i just think it's being human and kind. You do for others for what you would want them to do for you.
The negative people ruin my flow, but i would be a hypocrite if i were to tell them not to think like that or change theirs feelings around. I really just don't like it when people do that to me, try and control what i think and what i feel, it's so stupid, it's called brainwashing and I've had enough of that in my childhood. I can't be brainwashed anymore I'm too smart to fall for it ever again.

a 34 year old fuckin woman commited suicide yesterday, and she had 4 kids wtf?
I don't know about this town man it's going down the devil is taking over.

and the waiting game begins, lord I know whatever you decide it's for my own good.

My strong moment

Someone asked me, Friday night
"do you want to drink bro?"
 um no thanks
 "well that's fucking lame"
mother fucker,
 You're calling me lame which means weak, and boring.
My original Friday nights I usually try to piece my life together, and sort out my problems.
Besides "bro" one time, when I was only 125 pounds, I killed half a 40 ounce of Smirnoff vodka in half a hour.
The next morning I woke up in the basement wearing only pants.
That shit isn't boring.
I can't drink
I'm allergic to alcohol every time I drink, I break out in handcuffs.
 One time I fell in a swamp and kicked down a door.
 To date I've flashed my boobs, jumped off a roof and went to the church half snapped,
so do not call me boring.
Once I forgot where I was going,
was escorted by boys carrying a jacket, a bag of munchies I stole,
with no shoes. and then they jumped me.
And one time I blacked out so hard
 that I slept with someone who wasn't my boyfriend and faced the depression
and drank for weeks after that.
and tried to hang myself after.
and one time I took more pills than I could remember
and I accepted I would be Dead with in the hour.
 so don't you dare call me weak.
I tried to kill myself  drunk, more times than you can count with your toes and fingers
So don't fucking call me weak, Because I'm still here
I've swallowed more times of regret than you have pumped blood through your body.
Tell my mom it was boring to look her first born in the eyes, to tell her,
 that if she drank one more time she would not be welcomed in this house
Tell my mother i am weak, she who has failed to hold back tears as she ripped a blade from my hands,
 she who has seen her daughter handcuffed to be put on suicidal watch, tell her I'm weak.

The strongest I've ever felt was the first time i said no to a drink.

another fucking girl committed suicide and that's the forth one, who's next?

I create this person in my head, and she's perfect. She's who I promised myself to be.
I cry for a reason, to become a winner
but the blood on my sleeves says I'm a sinner.
I hide myself behind these words of mine
hoping no ones smart enough to know i'm not really fine.
and dying sounds so pretty in a rhyme.
Its a joint in between my finger tips, it's past 2 am when the alcohol slips through my lips.
the thought always grips my throat, while I choke writing a suicide note.
I wake up each day saying hey this could be a good day
but then my pet demon comes and puts the shade of grey.
my tears they fall on my jeans, no one notices because they're staring at screens.
Am I the only one out of thirty teens?
I sometimes pretend my life's a bad dream, that's on repeat, but then
 I realized that this is reality and I scream.
and wish for sanity.
with every emotion, i wish for the day the colors will come,
waiting day by day for some
being trapped, failed, and closed into a ball of misery filled with distress that makes me dizzy.
peacefully my demon refuses to free my mind, i believe some people are not designed to be blessed, and it makes them something less.
 and all I got left is to choose whether to put on my armour be fore i throw myself into the war that is waiting for me to die.
sometimes I cry for what i have become.
Sometimes i cry for the reasons of my scars
Sometimes i cry for the demons I've left behind
Sometimes i cry because i miss the breath of someone in my bed
Sometimes i cry because i wish i was dead

Dear depression
I remember the first day I met you, I was five years old.
when my mother would not come home.
you were my friend since then.
You showed up again when I saw my parents fighting
you were agreeing with those people who said my clothes were ugly, the ones my mom could hardly afford.
you told me that the only thing i'll ever be good at is washing these walls and doing the laundry
You were there through the years of  me being held down and being shoved aside.
when I was twelve you told me I should just end this life of mine because no one will ever give me happiness.
that being sad is all i'll ever be.
You were there when I took my first shot of burning liquor and you held it up till I had every last drop.
you told me every night that the world is unfair, that nothings ever going to be okay.
because i'm ugly, unlovable and stupid, with nothing to give and that i'm not normal.
My mind was taken over by you when I was thirteen.
the day when that drunk man touched me
you were there when I punched myself over and over for not screaming or stopping it.
the day my mother was drunk getting mad at me
and when the workers came and took us away the next day.
you created a monster of me.
you put the blame all on me
when I was fourteen, you made me slit my wrists, when I almost died and got put on suicidal watch.
You told me that he will never love me like he loved her.
You were there when I first got called a whore
. and when every man went inside me each time.
You said I was used and gross after that.
You were there choking me when I couldn't breath
 when I was thinking about my past.
You made me feel like I was nothing inside
You agreed with the people who said I was just going through a phase.
when the bruise on my face was labeled as blacked out times
Each night you would put the worst things I've done in my head, making me scream, and cry
you pulled me in deep, pushing my hand harder on the blade each time.
by 15  you made me believe every bad thing you said.
each time I got called a whore
a basty child who cries and hits the floor
the kid who slashes her wrists, day by day more and more
a low life with nothing to show for
You were there through every milestone I can remember
No one ever told you to leave me alone
You disguised yourself as me with a smile.
You made me re long sleeves and made me say all the right things in front of people who care.
you made me sad everyday even when things got fun
you took it away
you made everything happy go away
You took him and made me say
" I cheated on and i'm not sorry"
the only way I could forget about you was to take my bottle and chug it.
I was unable to go through with life with you by my side,
you said I can only get rid of you if I died.
so I said good bye, grabbed a rope and tied it tight.
as I hung I knew that this was it, no more hurt
no more screaming or panic attacks
I'm leaving behind YOU depression it's over now.
but then I hit the floor and someone whispered in my ear.
" you have something to live for, I want you to fight for what u want from life.
depression is your enemy, if you die tonight i'm afraid you're proving him right.
it is you who controls it and you have made him up with your own imagination. "
I stood up, knees trembling my tears falling.
and I said
"you won't control my life no more"
It Is I who has to control me, with out the word depression in my life. you aren't real and i'm done believing the lies you have told me my whole life. you are done making all things sad for me, it's over
I am something

3 only 3 things

I'm a horrible person, dammit here I go again and it's suppose to be a new year new me lmao. dammit whatever, let's just see how this plays out for me.
there are three things I promised myself
1. Finish highschool
2. Not kill myself
3. don't get pregnant
only three things.
So i'm not a horrible person in my eyes but other people have different standards and expectations for me, i'm through living for them I am now living for myself and my own standards. I do not care what people think, if they don't like what I do or what I like then they can just cry me a river. I've been trying to be good enough for people ever since I can remember and most of my sadness and depression was caused by not feeling good enough. It only matters how I feel about myself and stop living other people standards and start living by my own. So I know I did some awful things in my time but who gives a shit, I've paid my do's and I have changes my ways. ooh yes it's better now, people still put me down but as long as I finish highschool, not kill myself and don't get pregnant before 18 i'll be happy with myself for the rest of my life. And to all the bitches who think those standards aren't high enough then just keep your two cents out of business I don't that kind of negativity in my life.